


My yugen escape #1

by orphan_account



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Other, i am just writing my soul out, literally myself, not fanfiction, you don't have to read it I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 13:59:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14380119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: this is not a ficjust me sorting my thoughts outHey, if you know me and is reading thisJust, please don't.





	My yugen escape #1

**Author's Note:**

> it's a mess and it's personal but I really don't know how many of these I'll be writing, if I even will idk

I need a name for, well, you.

Natasha is what I'll go with (it's actually Nataša but that just makes it all much more complicated when writing so Natasha is good for now.)

Natasha is a character. My character. She'll be the person I've always kind of hoped to be. She is the person I've always hoped to be. That name was the name I was gonna get before they chose my current one - which I'm not telling you - so that name, her, is the one I wish to be. It's kind of like an expectation of me I've always had but never lived up to.

This won't be an interesting letter about someone wanting to be a girl, sadly. I'm not that interesting. It's just me - a girl - sorting my goddamn brain out without keeping it too personal. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I really just don't know where to write this, so the archive is what I chose.  
  
  
Anyways, back to the mess of a head that, unfortunately, is mine.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dear Natasha.

Where should I start.

You aren't... frustrated. It's so cheesy, but my sexual orientation is fucking weird. Cause here's the deal - I don't know. I honestly have no clue. Cause love is something I haven't experienced. Not even that feeling you probably get when you feel like the world is centered to a person and eventually you found out it was just a stupid crush and your mom was always right about telling you " _you don't know how real love is like_ ". Everything is so platonic. Sure, I can find someone attractive. Gender doesn't matter, so I'm probably bi in some way or whatever. But I can never like someone. I can never feel those fucking _butterflies_ swooning feeling of _falling in love_ or _drowning_ in said person's eyes or just simply _feel_ anything for anyone. And I have tried. You wouldn't believe how many times I've tried to like someone, to at least have a little crush on, but failed. Sure, I'm still convinced that people (now we're talking 30+ y/o celebs) are fucking hot and they mean so, so, so much to me but still, I don't know. I don't want it, though. I genuinely want to fucking fall in love or at least have a small crush. The universe owns me at least that is what I'm trying to convince myself, but no. Not in a million years. I'm left here, aromantic or whatever it's called. It fucking sucks. I'm ashamed of the word 'pride' cause I am not proud of either who I am or what my sexuality is. It's a fucking joke. 

Then there's the feelings in general. Emotions. I think I've built so many walls it's insane. I've pushed so many thoughts to the back of my head, and I feel like if I hadn't I would've had PTSD or something. Because grew up with constant sexual harassment, hanging around a group of people who had an awful influence on me (smoking, stealing and all that jazz while being  _8 y/o_ , my friends. That's what they did) and just growing up to fast. Hell, most of the time I just forget all of it. But my real struggle is emotions. Feeling things. I'm feeling so much and bearing so much I've become numb. I don't feel things anymore. Maybe, if I broke that, I'll probably be able to love, but for now I am just emotionless. Sometimes a bit of my wall breaks, and it all just comes out in a river of silent tears at late nights. Mostly though, it's just me not feeling. Take a shot every time I've mentioned how cold I am. It's insane, but it's the truth. Honestly though, I can't be genuinely happy - hell, I can barely laugh anymore without faking it - but I can barely feel sad either. I'm just empty. Nothing.

Right now I'm sitting in the pitch black darkness, my laptop and the starts from my open window being the only thing that's lit up ( _stars._  I'll save a paragraph for that one) but it's literally like a hole in my chest. Like I'm longing, needing, craving for something or someone who doesn't exist. I'm also almost crying but I don't know what for. This is all new, I never speak for myself. I'm so hidden. No one knows me, no one knows how or who I really am. Some know its, but no one knows the whole truth. I unknowingly doesn't allow myself to feel or cry or whatever. My subconscious has made the biggest, fattest wall that even I myself can't break. 

Being lonely. Being alone. Being by myself. I hate it and love it at the same time. I am selfish. I am going to explain as much as I can, but it's the way I can describe it. Cause like I said, no one knows me. Which means people around me expects me to be someone who I am not. It gets tiring. I enjoy my company the most. Me and a good book or fic is all I need. I am extremely introvert, but I come off as extrovert cause that's how they want me to be. It just comes naturally by now. I love distracting myself with small things. I have a few distractions:

\- Stars

\- Reading

\- Listening to music

\- Dancing

\- Playing piano and humming

\- The small forest around the block

The stars are so fascinating to me. I was just outside and watched the moon and the beautiful stars. The forest too. It makes me wanna sing songs that hasn't been written and never been made. It's a strange feeling. I'm always craving for something. Always. 

WHAT DO I WANT  
  
WHAT AM I CRAVING

WHAT DO I NEED

WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND MYSELF

it's so frustrating. 

 

Honestly though

I need help

But no one would understand

Maybe you will

 

So now I'm uploading and orphaning this, then going to bed, cause I need to think more. And to sleep.

Thank you for reading.

Bye Natasha.


End file.
